?Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?

?Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

?How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!

?***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal!

?Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H

?FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.

?Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r.

?Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text!

?Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -
Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!

?I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

?Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

?HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?

?This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you

?Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it.

?A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone

?Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!

?I went to ur house justnow - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok!

?Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

?Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

?Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

?I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.

?How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.

?Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...

?U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....shit...I got wrong number...SORRY :)

?I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU!

?On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.

?The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

?Nope.....u still ugly!

?Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.

?What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.

?Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'

?Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u.

?I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass.

?How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.

?How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!

?It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

?Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!

?I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

?You are here: X

?Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block.

?In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that's the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it's too heavy.

?Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

?Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!

?Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.

?Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.

?What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don't start anything.

?Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

?Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin 'Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.'

?Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick"
Boss asks: "How sick are u?"
Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???"

?Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!

?Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that's between!

?I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS!

?Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face - NO SEX!

Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built.

Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs, He sleeps at night.

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that.

Q. What looks like half apple?
A : The other half.

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A : Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented?
A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.

"I'd love an ice-cold beer right now," he told the genie.

Poof! A beer appeared.

Next, the man said, "I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women."

Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.

"Oh, man this is the life," the guy thought. "I wish I never had to work again."

And poof! He was back at his desk in the government office!

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

-----------------------------

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.



A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.

If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?


On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."


Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"